"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything." -Grey's Anatomy
This quote at the end of the episode three weeks ago strikes me for two reasons:
1. Its about mountains. I use mountain-climbing as a metaphor for my life all the time. I have done some mountain climbing... The peaks, valleys, exhaustion, struggle, clarity, etc of physically climbing a mountain hold great parallels to the feelings of my heart when it comes to real life things.
2. The metaphor of only wanting to remember the picture at the top of the mountain and not wanting to record the hurt of the hike resounds deep within my heart right now. I have been trying for weeks to finish a post about my life... to record the days. But, quite frankly, I haven't wanted a written record of the hurt and struggle of some of the days. I've just been waiting for that peak mountain-top experience so I could write about the good and have that to come back to.
However, I've decided in life that the hard days are worth remembering. You can't truly cherish each good thing if you know no hardship right? Recording the hard days does great good for me. It pushes me to move forward and strive towards good days again. It shows progress. It helps remember lessons and holds little reminders to not repeat the hard stuff intentionally.
I hope I get better about recording daily things. For I don't think its so much about the destination in life as it is about the means of the journey. So whether it be on the way up to the gorgeous mountain-top or tripping on the way down, I want to know how I got there.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
alone is the last place i wanted to be
abandonment.
the root of all my problems.
this is not a new discovery. i've known this for, oh, about 20 years now. but its been on my mind recently.
you see, i can literally count on two hands the number of people in my life who haven't walked away from me. and, yes, i know that most people are not meant to be in our life forever, but just for a season. but i have been dealt some tough blows when it comes to relationships and people walking away.. starting with my biological father who gave up all rights when i was two and a half.
i'm not writing about this for people to feel guilty if they've been in my life and aren't anymore. i'm not saying, "please feel bad for me." don't.
my point is this- they say we have two natural reactions to tough situations. we pick between "fight" and "flight." i think because all i've seen is "flight" in my life that its all i know to do. or knew how to do. that is, until college happened.
during my four years of college, i learned how to fight... for silly things like grades i may or may not have deserved, for a job i loved, for good friendships, for things i saw purpose in, and finally, for myself.
that last one, the fighting for myself, is the hardest piece. i think when so many people walk away without fighting for you, it can be hard to believe that you are actually worth the hurt and heartache of a fight. just in the last year have i learned to fight for myself and my worth. i learned that its not selfish to fight for yourself sometimes. if you don't fight for yourself, it can be even harder to fight for the things you care about. it is easy for me to forgo a battle on my own behalf and choose to fight for a thing or person that i love instead.
it is not in my nature to really give up either. i am stubborn and hard-headed and always have been. the difference is, those words used to describe things like my work ethic in school, or wanting something when my parents said no... small, trivial things. now, these qualities have expanded to the way that i fight for big things in my life too. i have found that i fight even past the point where most people quit. there are things that seemed to have ended, yet, daily, i still fight for small pieces of them.
i'm still fighting.
the root of all my problems.
this is not a new discovery. i've known this for, oh, about 20 years now. but its been on my mind recently.
you see, i can literally count on two hands the number of people in my life who haven't walked away from me. and, yes, i know that most people are not meant to be in our life forever, but just for a season. but i have been dealt some tough blows when it comes to relationships and people walking away.. starting with my biological father who gave up all rights when i was two and a half.
i'm not writing about this for people to feel guilty if they've been in my life and aren't anymore. i'm not saying, "please feel bad for me." don't.
my point is this- they say we have two natural reactions to tough situations. we pick between "fight" and "flight." i think because all i've seen is "flight" in my life that its all i know to do. or knew how to do. that is, until college happened.
during my four years of college, i learned how to fight... for silly things like grades i may or may not have deserved, for a job i loved, for good friendships, for things i saw purpose in, and finally, for myself.
that last one, the fighting for myself, is the hardest piece. i think when so many people walk away without fighting for you, it can be hard to believe that you are actually worth the hurt and heartache of a fight. just in the last year have i learned to fight for myself and my worth. i learned that its not selfish to fight for yourself sometimes. if you don't fight for yourself, it can be even harder to fight for the things you care about. it is easy for me to forgo a battle on my own behalf and choose to fight for a thing or person that i love instead.
it is not in my nature to really give up either. i am stubborn and hard-headed and always have been. the difference is, those words used to describe things like my work ethic in school, or wanting something when my parents said no... small, trivial things. now, these qualities have expanded to the way that i fight for big things in my life too. i have found that i fight even past the point where most people quit. there are things that seemed to have ended, yet, daily, i still fight for small pieces of them.
i'm still fighting.
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