beloved

2010 in pictures

2011-01-05T23:20:00.012-06:00

Just a highlight or 2 from each month.

January - My year started out in boxes. I moved from Austin to Houston for a new job.

February - February was so crazy adjusting to new job/new place to live/etc that I can't find any pictures...

March - I took a long weekend to visit my friend, Krystal, in California. She was working on her Masters at Pepperdine University in Malibu and living in Santa Monica. It was so fun!
April - April was TAKS-crazy.

May - I finished my spring semester working with some awesome kids to help them with TAKS.

June - Celebrating Krystal's birthday in Houston with some bingo and fun girls at Sawyer Park in Houston.
July - I finally had a free summer to go to South Padre Island for the annual family trip. (I had to miss a few years for work) Andie loved going on the boat in her life jacket!

August - I decorated my first classroom, met 120 sixth graders and began my first year of teaching and coaching!
*I also found out I was going to be an AUNT in August!! (there's no picture of that.)

September - I spent most of August, September and October like this... coaching my 8th grade volleyball team.
October - Claudia and Daniel got married!
We also pulled off a huge surprise retirement party for my dad! After 37 years in the Houston Fire Department, he deserved a night to reunite with his old friends and all the family that came.
AND, I got a new car!!
whew.... October was BUSY!

November - My parents and I drove to Austin to meet my sister and brother-in-law for a day they were in town. I loved spending time at The Oasis and walking around campus.

My dad's parents, my uncle and brothers all came into town for Thanksgiving.

December 2010 - I survived my first semester of teaching!

My family went on a Christmas cruise to celebrate my dad's retirement. We went to Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize and Roatan.

And I finished off the year with some amazing girls for my first New Years Eve out in Houston.

if they only knew me

2010-08-16T21:57:00.002-05:00

Several times during our teacher inservice days last week and this week, we have been read If She Only Knew Me by Jeff Gray and Heather Thomas. It is a short book written from the eyes of a young, poverty-stricken child in the classroom. (Check it out on Amazon here.)

It was read specifically to my campus today because of our student population. We have the highest percentage of economically disadvantaged students in the intermediate schools of our district. Our kids face bigger challenges before even getting to school that we have to learn how to accommodate their immediate basic needs before we can ever hope to impart new knowledge and skills. My favorite page in this book says something like, "If she only knew my daddy left me and my mom when I was 2, she'd stop threatening to call my daddy and have a conference." What an incredible way to teach teachers to get to know their kiddos individually.

Today after listening to it, we were asked to write down a reflection. This is mine:

"It surprises me, as a graduate of Clear Creek ISD, that there are these tough life situations happening here- in the place I grew up only knowing of it as safe and loving. It shocks my friends to hear some of the stories about our school. It may seem daunting and overwhelming some days to work with kids like ours, but it gives me great purpose and meaning. Each day, I get to wake up with the privilege of giving my kids more to hope for than what they left home with that morning. Each day, I want them to know they have the same potential and opportunities that I had as a kid here, no matter what obstacles face them outside our doors."

If my students only knew me:
-They would know I'm not just a white lady that feels sorry for them.
-They would know that I do understand heartache and pain even if our situations are different.
-They would know that I made it out of the schools they're going to alright and that I fully believe they can do it too.
-They would know I'm scared of failing them everyday by not being able to maintain a safe and welcoming environment for everyone.
-They would know that math is NOT the most important lesson I want to teach in my classroom.

so long sweet summer

2010-08-05T22:38:00.001-05:00

summer is over. such a sad, sad day. tomorrow is my first day to get back and work in my classroom and monday starts inservice days and workshops. yay!

its a good thing i have a fun-filled weekend planned!

time to reminisce on the fun things i got to do this summer:
-actually go on family vacation for the first time in 4 years (who cares if i was the only child who could go this year?! or the fact that we had to evacuate after 2 days of vacationing because of Hurricane Alex...)
-spend almost a full week with my sister and brother-in-law in florida
-hang out with my favorite 12 year old... watching the bachelorette, swimming, burning in the sun on 'smoothie stand day'
-READ!! i read 12 books this summer! i'm trying to finish #13 but i'm not sure if it will happen by school.
-work at a crazy camp at A&M and meet some cool people
-take a day trip to austin full of old friends and delicious food that i miss
-spend quality time with my best friends all over texas

now THAT sounds like an amazing summer to me! guess its time to get back to school and grown-up life (house hunting and lesson planning, oh my!), but not before one last summer fling with schlitterbahn and a back-to-school party (teacher-style) this weekend!

i got a job!

2010-07-03T20:15:00.003-05:00

i can finally officially talk about it! i have a job for next school year!

i will be teaching 6th grade math and coaching 7th grade girls volleyball and basketball.

AND i get to stay at my school- Clear Creek Intermediate!

i'm so excited that i will be at my school still. those kids give me purpose everyday and make going to work worth it. i know they're a tough group, but i'm looking forward to it.

i was really nervous about being the "new kid" on the 6th grade team. after one year, our school only had 2 teachers leave: one teacher had a baby this summer (this is the position i got) and another moved up to the high school level (it was filled in the district). its really rare to only have 2 openings and the teachers had created close bonds in their first year. however, i got a call this last week inviting me to lunch with the 6th grade team and it was so great. they were so welcoming and friendly and calmed a lot of my concerns about being the new one. it makes me really excited about august.

summer reading list

2010-06-10T21:05:00.008-05:00

Summer is here and I'm loving it! One of my favorite things to do is grab a good book and head to the pool.

I've been reading Jodi Picoult NONSTOP so far! Seriously, I read 3 of hers in the first week of summer. I love that her books are about real life.. about the hard things- rape, bullying, dysfunctional families, illnesses, imperfections, etc. But there's always a story about caring about others in it whether it be about family, or friends, or just people we meet. We never know someone's whole story until we care to ask.

She has 18 books out and I plan to finish them all!
Songs of the Humpback Whale
Harvesting the Heart
Picture Perfect
Mercy
~~The Pact~~
Keeping Faith
Plain Truth *currently reading
Salem Falls
Perfect Match
Second Glance
~~My Sister's Keeper~~
Vanishing Acts
~~The Tenth Circle~~
~~Nineteen Minutes~~
Wonder Woman: Love and Murder
Change of Heart
Handle with Care
House Rules

I just recently bought a kindle and am SO excited about it. I think it will save me a lot of money in the long run on books and it will save me a ton of room on my bookshelves!

365 days.

2010-05-22T20:14:00.002-05:00

i can't believe i have been out of college for a year! i graduated a year ago! whoa.

what a crazy year too.

i have moved twice (including major cities), started two different jobs, taken some fun trips, seen some incredible concerts, said goodbye to hurt, made some good friends, learned to like sushi and laughed with some crazy kiddos.

the last year has only pushed me to love people harder and show the people i care just how much i do. i had a ton of fun being with the people important to me and enjoyed it all... even when it was hard.

i have seen hurt and betrayal in the last year. i have walked through things i would never wish upon anyone. and i made it.

i can only hope the next year is a hundred times calmer. however, i will most likely move again. and i will semi-start a new job too (same job, different school). and i will probably make a very grown-up purchase. can i go back to college yet? yikes.

forcing myself to finish

2010-05-04T19:29:00.003-05:00

a real post, that is.

my 7th graders survived TAKS testing two weeks ago. last week started 8th grade Remediation for the kiddos needing a second try at it. they've been working SO hard. i hate that their promotion to high school depends on a test and some of them missed it the first time by just one question, but most of them are really motivated to get it this time so its be pretty cool to see them remain optimistic instead of defeated.

on the same note, their optimism has been a little contagious in the job hunt for me. as the school year draws near to an end, i'm still looking for a full-time teaching position for the 2010-2011 school year. aaaaand, as of this morning, i have an interview for one on thursday! a lot of small pieces have fallen into place so well for this interview that its hard not to have my hopes up, but i know it will work out either way.

that's about all i've got... my summer plans are a little up in the air as of now. mostly just waiting to see about the fall.

drawing a blank

2010-04-27T22:05:00.002-05:00

TAKS has taken over my life this week.

that is all.

one step closer

2010-04-04T21:35:00.003-05:00

one of my goals in life is to travel to every state in the united states. i'm not sure why i came up with it... it was some time in elementary school actually.

last weekend, i got to cross one more state off of my list! i've officially have traveled to 25 states... halfway there!

anyway, i got to take a 3 day weekend to visit one of my closest friends, krystal, in california! she is going to grad school at pepperdine university in malibu and will be graduating in may before moving back to texas!

krystal and i grew up in the same town, but never crossed paths, which is crazy because it felt like everyone knew everyone else growing up. we had several mutual friends and heard of each other, but never met. we ended up in the same christian sorority during college and finally met face-to-face at a halloween party my freshman year. our friendship slowly grew during my freshman and sophomore years. during my junior year (her senior year) we got to become really close and traveled home together for holidays and hung out a lot more. i was sad to see her move all the way to california after she graduated. over the last two years, we got better at being phone and email friends considering we've only seen each other at christmas both years.

it was so much fun being able to take a weekend to go see where she lives and what she's been up to! she lives in santa monica and took me to see all the fun touristy sights in the area. a great way to check off another state!

krystal and i on our bus tour of famous hollywood homes :)

its time.

2010-03-21T00:57:00.005-05:00

"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything." -Grey's Anatomy

This quote at the end of the episode three weeks ago strikes me for two reasons:
1. Its about mountains. I use mountain-climbing as a metaphor for my life all the time. I have done some mountain climbing... The peaks, valleys, exhaustion, struggle, clarity, etc of physically climbing a mountain hold great parallels to the feelings of my heart when it comes to real life things.
2. The metaphor of only wanting to remember the picture at the top of the mountain and not wanting to record the hurt of the hike resounds deep within my heart right now. I have been trying for weeks to finish a post about my life... to record the days. But, quite frankly, I haven't wanted a written record of the hurt and struggle of some of the days. I've just been waiting for that peak mountain-top experience so I could write about the good and have that to come back to.

However, I've decided in life that the hard days are worth remembering. You can't truly cherish each good thing if you know no hardship right? Recording the hard days does great good for me. It pushes me to move forward and strive towards good days again. It shows progress. It helps remember lessons and holds little reminders to not repeat the hard stuff intentionally.

I hope I get better about recording daily things. For I don't think its so much about the destination in life as it is about the means of the journey. So whether it be on the way up to the gorgeous mountain-top or tripping on the way down, I want to know how I got there.

alone is the last place i wanted to be

2010-03-07T23:06:00.002-06:00

abandonment.

the root of all my problems.

this is not a new discovery. i've known this for, oh, about 20 years now. but its been on my mind recently.

you see, i can literally count on two hands the number of people in my life who haven't walked away from me. and, yes, i know that most people are not meant to be in our life forever, but just for a season. but i have been dealt some tough blows when it comes to relationships and people walking away.. starting with my biological father who gave up all rights when i was two and a half.

i'm not writing about this for people to feel guilty if they've been in my life and aren't anymore. i'm not saying, "please feel bad for me." don't.

my point is this- they say we have two natural reactions to tough situations. we pick between "fight" and "flight." i think because all i've seen is "flight" in my life that its all i know to do. or knew how to do. that is, until college happened.

during my four years of college, i learned how to fight... for silly things like grades i may or may not have deserved, for a job i loved, for good friendships, for things i saw purpose in, and finally, for myself.

that last one, the fighting for myself, is the hardest piece. i think when so many people walk away without fighting for you, it can be hard to believe that you are actually worth the hurt and heartache of a fight. just in the last year have i learned to fight for myself and my worth. i learned that its not selfish to fight for yourself sometimes. if you don't fight for yourself, it can be even harder to fight for the things you care about. it is easy for me to forgo a battle on my own behalf and choose to fight for a thing or person that i love instead.

it is not in my nature to really give up either. i am stubborn and hard-headed and always have been. the difference is, those words used to describe things like my work ethic in school, or wanting something when my parents said no... small, trivial things. now, these qualities have expanded to the way that i fight for big things in my life too. i have found that i fight even past the point where most people quit. there are things that seemed to have ended, yet, daily, i still fight for small pieces of them.

i'm still fighting.

take me back to neverland.

2010-02-10T20:38:00.003-06:00

i don't want to grow up. i don't know where to go with my life right now.

i don't know if i'm more blown away by my conversations with 7th and 8th graders during school each day or the ones with the adults around me.

alcohol. sex. pregnancy. guns. rape.

think those are my conversations with the adults? wrong. those are the ones with the kids.

its insane. i don't know where these kids are coming from. none of this mess was even remotely on my radar in middle school. heck, none of it was on my radar in high school!

healthy eating. family planning. careers. church. finances

these are the subjects of conversations with the adults. i'm not blown away by these in a negative sense... more surprised in a good way by how coworkers have opened up, how they ask for my opinion even though i feel like a kid playing teacher, how they listen and ask questions.

i feel stuck in this weird limbo place. at work, i'm a grown-up: an equal to the teachers, an authority figure to the kids. outside of work, i'm fighting to stay young and fun: a big kid.

i don't know how well its working.

what's in a name?

2010-01-31T23:18:00.003-06:00

how can i expect my students to do well in school when their names don't even follow basic phonics? their entire foundation for education went wrong at birth!

-jylinn.. pronounced jay-lyn. (also, its a boy)
-nyshira.. aka na-sh-era.
-isaly.. like italy, but with an s.
-marchel.. that would sound like michelle but with mar at the front.
-rayce.. his name is race.
-ashantinika.. say it with me "uh-shon-ti-knee-ka". (we just call her nikki)

and the grand finale (however, this one is courtesy of my sister's classroom and not mine):
la-a..
try it out... la-A, lei-a, lA-uh.. any takers?

her name is "ladasha."
she's trying to figure out how she'll bubble it in on the state test.

ridiculous.

you can call me ms. anderson

2010-01-21T21:33:00.003-06:00

week 3...

2 of my kids have been sent to AEP (alternative education)
just this week, 7 are in ISS (in school suspension)
1 girl is pregnant (7th grade!)
countless failed their TAKS benchmark last week
(if they don't pass the one in april, they don't go onto the next grade)

whoa.

its so crazy to me that this school is right where i grew up. where'd it come from?

but also...

alexus talked to me about her church.
i'm jennifer and lindsay's "fave teacher."
every kid in my 1st period did their homework last night!
i made friends with part of the "mexican mafia" and they say hi to me in the halls.
i got a room of 19 boys (plus 4 sweet girls) to focus.
and paige and i do her homework everyday because she doesn't want zeros.

its the little rays of sunshine in my day that make me think i could actually do this.

the first two days of work

2010-01-10T20:48:00.002-06:00

teacher: "guys, where chris?"
kid: "he's in the hospital."
teacher: "what? what happened?"
kid: "he got jumped. it was pretty bad."

kid: "miss, what's that star-looking symbol between those two numbers?"
me: "which one? the multiplication sign?"
kid: "oh yea! i forgot what those looked like."

teacher: "the polite gangster is one that will need some help."
me: "the one in the blue shirt?"
teacher: "no, he's not polite. he's just a gangster. the one in the green is the polite one."

teacher: "did you meet the mexican mafia in your first period?"
me: "the spanish-speaking girls in the corner?"
teacher: "yea that's them. they're the mexican mafia at the school."

welcome to my life. here's to bracing myself and making it til april!

2009 in review

2009-12-30T16:21:00.020-06:00

what a year. here's to hoping and praying that 2010 goes a lot smoother!

january - early in the year, i got to go on a long weekend to colorado with jill. we went to vail and breckenridge.. she skiied and i just enjoyed the snow.

february - a fun little tradition started with this foursome.. "monday fundays" or any day really. just having fun together because we could.

march - lauren and nick got married! it was like 40 degrees and raining and outside but it was perfect!

april - i went to my last phi lamb formal.. 4 years of treasurers.

i also got to see my favorite band ever, sugarland!
may - what a busy, busy month! it started with a fun night for rachael's bachelorette party.
then, with phi lamb's closing ceremonies, the seniors said goodbye.

and finished with graduation!!! yea!!! my whole family came and it was such a fun weekend!

june - rachael and ryan got married in houston and it was beautiful.

july - sweet sawyer marie was born!
and i moved into my very own apartment!

august - my favorite grad students finally finished their masters, graduated from UT and made their way home. but what an incredible three summers!

september - i was lucky enough to get a day off work and tickets to watch my favorite texas longhorns dominate texas tech. hook em!

october - andie found her true calling as a banana for halloween.

november - i spent most of the month playing with these two. jill got her puppy, roxy, in july and they love playing and napping with each other.

december - my life currently looks like this... boxes everywhere as i am packing up and moving out of austin.
come on 2010! a new start in a new city. time to close the doors on 2009 with a bang. happy new years!

on the move again!

2009-12-29T18:09:00.003-06:00

the news is true.. i'm packing up my apartment and am heading a little south of this city. my new job and "grown-up" life start monday, january 4th!

as my time in austin is ending, this bizarre, weird feeling has come over me. its definitely bittersweet to be leaving. i've come to a point in my time in this town where it is clear i need something different. i need to leave the hurt behind, carry the good with me, and move on to something different.

there are so many things i'm going to miss here!
including, but definitely not limited to:
-my wonderful, supportive friends.
-the endless list of delicious restaurants only found with a 512 area code.
-the greenbelt. specifically andie's favorite spot on the rocks by the creek.
-the little pieces of everyday life that i've come to cherish so much.

how i know its the holidays

2009-11-12T20:37:00.003-06:00

No its not the cute red Starbucks cups.

Nothing about peppermint or candy cane flavors get me excited.

Its not even the hints of decor or christmas music on commercials.

Its these:

And they're in stores now!!

Glorious fudge-covered oreos. These things have been a special holiday treat since I was a little kid and I look forward to them every year. So good!

friend or foe? no?

2009-10-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

friend-a person attached to another by feelings of affection; someone who gives support; a person you are on good terms with

community- a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural heritage; a social, religious, occupational or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived as distinct in some respect from the larger society

my preacher on sunday said, as christians, we need to find people who 1. love god and 2. love us and surround ourselves with them to live in authentic christ-like community.

i know there is a difference between the two groups of people in your life. your community includes friends, but not all of your friends are necessarily a part of your community. i don't know if my expectations are off or too high, but i've seen a lot of disconnect between how i define friends and the actions of my community. i have seen nonchristians act as better friends than christians. and i don't understand it.

i feel like there is such a huge push to be authentically christ-like that pursuing friendships has turned into seeking out people who are struggling so you can be jesus to them and help them out of their sin. i realize there is nothing actually wrong with that idea in itself. the disconnect is ocurring because the only purpose of the relationship is to get someone out of sin... not to grow in jesus and daily do life together. it is making people into projects and checking them off when they're done. if there is no healing after getting out of sin, then the issue will only happen again or manifest itself in another place.

i want my community to consist of people who don't want to just be in my life to help "fix me" to add another gold star to their resume, but people who want to support me in the good, hurt with me in the bad, inspire me to change for the right reasons, and spur me on daily. i define friends by loyalty, by laughter and simplicity, by realness and honesty, by safety and comfort, by love. i want to define my community by those things, with the addition of loving each other like jesus, challenging each other to act more as christ and spurring each other on daily.

do i have something off? am i missing something? how do i find more of this?

Christianity in the Workplace

2009-09-20T22:06:00.002-05:00

...or lack thereof.

I work with quite the cast of characters.

Conversations include, but are not limited to, my coworker's open marriage, monogamy, religion (two of my coworkers are atheists), legalizing drugs, etc. Whoa. There have been several conversations where we've had to just agree to disagree.

Needless to say, I've learned a lot about people and myself. I've learned to hold my own and explain my opinion. I've learned to be fully informed on a topic to be able to back up my beliefs. It has really challenged my thinking. I'm no longer constantly surrounded by my safety net of college friends. I've met people who are absolutely, 100% different from me and it has broadened my approach to interacting with people.

Strapping on the hiking gear again

2009-09-15T01:26:00.002-05:00

I thought I was getting glimpses of the top of the mountain.

I think I had just found a plateau...
I rested there for a little bit... a false sense of clarity. Then I realized there was more climbing to do. There IS more climbing to do.

The plateau was good for a while. God was with me again. I found pieces of purpose again. It seemed to be good. But it was just better than the messy valley I had been in. So much more good awaits me.

I know there is still some hurt ahead, but I will not feel bad fighting for myself to find healing and restoration. Its not wrong and I'm seeing that now. Its okay to fight for myself too.

Where did August go?

2009-08-30T23:32:00.003-05:00

In the last month and a half since updating...

1. Sawyer Marie Birkenfeld was born and is the most precious thing in the world.

2. I moved into my own apartment.

3. My sister finished grad school in Austin and left to go back to Florida.

4. I had a job interview... still no verdict.

5. I survived my very first power outages of living alone during a lightning storm.

6. I've learned to live without constant internet access or cable. (Just found a spot in my apartment tonight where I've got some internet action)

7. I've 3 great books... and am on my 4th.

8. God showed up in huge ways and I finally feel like there's an end to this season of drought.

Where in the world is...

2009-07-12T23:52:00.003-05:00

...my latest blog update? (the carmen sandiego theme song is now on repeat in my head)

Working, playing, packing, oh my!

It sometimes feels like all I do in a week is go to work, eat, and come home to sleep before starting over. Now, really, that is not true, but I have been working a lot which is good for paying the bills, but bad for my sleep schedule. I'm still on the hunt for a full-time-this-is-what-my-degree's-for job and even got one step further with an interview. It went well; they chose someone with more experience.. who can blame them? But they did mention two other positions opening soon that they will consider me for as well, which is cool. I went home for a quick trip the last weekend of June for a wedding which was a ton of fun! I'm so glad that Rachael's and my path didn't stop crossing in high school and we got to extend our friendship through college. She was a stunning bride and hosted a rockin' reception! I'm getting ready to move into my own apartment on July 22 and am very excited! I'm looking forward to a pretty big "growing up" step in my life and figuring out the living alone season of my life. I have an awesome comfy couch for visitor's though!

life lyrics

2009-06-15T23:56:00.004-05:00

"For as much as she stumbles she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear"

...and so goes the lyrics to a popularly-played country song these days. you may have heard of it- guinevere by eli young band.

i feel like this chorus speaks volumes about my heart/life right now in so many ways. as i'm doing this whole transition out of college and figuring out real life, i'm seeing the wrong turns i've taken and how they're affecting me now. (oh the beauty of hindsight) i'm seeing how the falls and spills of my life have shaped who i am daily in good ways and bad. yet, i still carry on each day, still learning and figuring out my way... feeling like and knowing that i'm a very different person than i was just a year ago (let alone four years before college), but also seeing that i'm in the same place and learning some things over and over again. i know in the end it will all be good, but some days i can't help but feel tired of the changing and processing as i try to find a faster answer.

what i learned in college

2009-05-24T01:21:00.004-05:00

1. god is real
2. good friendships are hard, but worth the fight
3. you don't hurt family
4. life's not about what you learn in a classroom
5. i'm not in control
6. sometimes its easier to ask for forgiveness later than for permission first

normally, i'd expand on these things.. share a funny story of something dumb i did to learn them or an anecdote of why these things are important. however, this list is in no way all-inclusive nor am i done figuring them all out. so, for now, that is it... a short list of some big ideas that i learned about in the last four years.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

2009-05-07T13:29:00.005-05:00

http://egan.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/06/dear-graduate/
^a good article for graduates... for everyone. its advice for life.
highlights from the article:
-do one thing everyday that scares you.
-learn to cook.
-avoid phony controversies.
-volunteer.
-nourish your friendships.

if i could add my own things to the list:
-make a decision purely for yourself. just because you want to even if it makes others upset/disappointed/etc. there have been a handful of decisions i have made in college just because i wanted to do something. i thought for myself, weighed the pros and cons, and went for it. i have never regretted them once and they have helped me gain confidence and boldness in myself.
-love people hard. without second thought. intentionally. show grace and mercy to people even when you're hurt. be compassionate. care about others.
-be purposeful. do things with a reason. be intentional in relating to others... listen for the answer when you ask how people are. make goals.
-leave work at the office. i don't want my job to ever define my life more than loving god and people. so while its possible to be intentional at the office, don't bring the work junk home, to your dinner plans, to your friends, etc

i didn't know this day would ever come... the last day i ever have to walk into a classroom as a student. i don't plan on ever doing it again! no inkling of grad school here- i am done.

funny fortunes...

2009-05-06T20:14:00.003-05:00

"your principles mean more to you than any money or success" -my fortune cookie from dinner tonight

oh the irony!

i get this fortune on the same day as:
1. not getting any response from yet another two job applications from last week. (i've stopped counting how many times this has actually happened... NO ONE is hiring.)
2. finding out for sure that my boss doesn't have the budget to give me a full-time salary... which equals no job after a 2 year internship there.
3. determining my last day of work at the current job.

hello unemployment! at least i'll have my principles! :)

my updated plan for life = currently seeking out a well-paid part-time job with a good amount of hours so at least i'll be getting a pay check while waiting on the economy to reboot and offer me my dream job with full benefits. :) here's to not getting sick while i don't have a full-time job/insurance! holler!

american idol!

2009-05-05T19:40:00.004-05:00

a picture of the final 5 as of last week. matt (far right) was kicked off last week. the final four are now:
-danny (far left): my favorite, but i don't think he'll win. i just think he's the sweetest thing ever!
-adam (in the back): the obvious crowd favorite. he's done broadway so he can put on quite the show. i'm not a fan and would prefer he goes home tomorrow. i mean he should just stay on broadway with his previous success. maybe he'll get a lead role now. (is that mean?)
-allison (the only girl): she's only 17 and such a rockstar. i'm predicting her for the win if she makes good song choices. she reminds me of kelly clarkson but with a little more of the punk edge.
-kris (in the white tee): one word= adorable. he sure can melt a girl's heart. too bad he's definitely married. :)

so i'm hoping adam goes this week. i can't decide between danny and kris going home next leaving allison for the win!

what's next

2009-04-27T10:41:00.003-05:00

25 days! 25 days! 25 days!

til graduation that is! :) i have just 6 more days on campus which includes, 1 group project, 1 test, 1 quiz, and 1 final! its all just down to 1's!! yay!

yesterday i picked up my cap and gown... my tassel said 2008- got that fixed so now its time to go!

go where you ask? beyond may 22 and 23, beyond the celebrations and family visiting, beyond finishing college, beyond all that, I HAVE NO IDEA.

logistically, i have a lease until july 31, so i'll be in austin for the summer. as far as what i'll be doing for a job, currently that looks like waiting for God to show me some direction. i trust the He will. i'm just slightly anxious about timing. megan-dare i use your wet paintbrush/blurry box analogy from high school? :) i feel like everything's on fast forward-days and nights get mixed together and i can't keep them separate. i feel like i'm going to make it all the way through graduation and then just stop, wake up, and realize there's nothing pushing me anymore because i passed it without breathing to realize it happened.

what's amazing about this all is that i am not overwhelmed and consumed by not having a job. i mean, yea, i have my dramatic, stressed-out moments, but they're not everyday. i have peace that it'll work out. that's what i've been praying for the most... peace about everything.

i feel like i don't have any huge goodbyes because i'll be around austin and its just a question of what i'll be doing to pay the bills. i feel like staying in this place i've known for 4 years and changing to push out of the campus-bubble and safety net will be a challenge. but its one i'm eager to see play out. i love this city. i feel like i have purpose and challenge here.

middle school musings

2009-04-15T22:47:00.002-05:00

8th grader in my after school club: "miss, you should stop drinking dr. pepper."
me: "why's that?"
girl: "those calories are really starting to add up." (pokes my stomach with her pen)

after work, i went shopping and got ice cream. :)

a hint from hamlet

2009-04-12T00:20:00.006-05:00

"doubt thou that the stars are fire;
doubt thou that the sun doth move;
doubt truth to be a liar;
but never doubt that i love."
-shakespeare, hamlet

if you ask me what the best feeling in the world is, i'd say, for me, its having someone say "i love you" and knowing, beyond any doubt, that they mean it. i have been truly blessed to have people show up throughout my life that have loved me very well- beyond any shadow of a doubt, no matter the distance between us, or the time between visits. i can only hope that i have been a friend that has done the same for others. that the people i care about never question if and how much i care.

one of the most important things we're called to do as christians is love... through everything. i hope that i am not a fair weather friend that simply loves when its easy, but that i dig in deep and love through the hurt as well.

counting sheep on my way to sleep

2009-04-06T01:26:00.002-05:00

and counting days for that matter...

less than 50 days until graduation- the day i get to walk across a stage as i'm completely done with my formal higher education; the day i "magically" become a grown up and have life figured out (not really buying this one); the day i stand alone as an adult with full adult responsibilities (yikes!); the day that "real life" begins.

it feels so close, yet so stinkin far! i have 2 tests, 2 quizzes, 5 papers, and 1 final that stand in the way and i can not wait to be done with the school part. but the uncertainty about what follows and where its going to happen make me want to put it off til its all figured out. ptl that its not in my control!

holiness

2009-03-28T21:09:00.001-05:00

"we've become so intoxicated with 'God is Love' that we forget God is holy and, then, our sin becomes tame."

this was the topic of a sermon at church a few weeks ago. it has had me thinking everyday since i heard it. the preacher was talking about holiness... about pursuing it and the evidence of it.

other talking points i haven't forgotten:
-"to not pursue holiness is to receive hollowness"

-"we're not called to live impure lives, but to live holy lives."

-"holiness is an inclination of the heart towards God- a divorce from all that's impure."

-"a transformed life is the clearest evidence for Christianity."

why does this hit me so hard? i think i've got it down to the fact that this year is the year i've learned about sin... i've learned about the complete weight and heaviness of it- the devastation of it. so much of what i had been taught was of how much God loves me and how He works for good that the greatness and variety of His character was lost beyond His love. i was so blinded by His love that my sin became almost minor which is so, so off. i now grasp how significant each sinful act is because of how much it hurts God... how it makes just no sense to invite Satan into a place where God lives through my sinful acts. okay, i get it.

this has NOT been an easy lesson. and i know i haven't fully learned it. it has been a painful year to gain a grasp on my sin. i'm still figuring out some pieces. so where does it leave me?

it leaves me with a better grasp on the mercy and grace i've been handed. it leaves me with tears of grattitude because of the eternal goodness i've been promised. and it leaves me with something to strive for.

holiness.
i'm striving for a lifestyle that is not simply "good" because i've followed the set of rules for the day, but for a lifestyle that rejects my sinful nature by seeking His face. i know i will fail. i know i will have some better days than others. but it leaves me hopeful that my attempt is more effective than living a complacent life of sin.

anything's possible

2009-03-11T21:52:00.002-05:00

it is definitely possible to write a 5 page paper in an hour and a half. its even more possible to write two different 5 page papers in three hours. i know this because i did it successfully yesterday morning. thank you senioritis. 73 days til graduation. praise the lord!

i officially have 7 weddings to attend starting this very weekend and through september. i'm so excited! i love weddings!

i think i have found the right path again. i can see the way back up and am so so thankful that the lord has revealed himself yet again. praise god for hope and the promise of restoration! its still a daily battle, but i know the good that is waiting for me.

senioritis at its finest

2009-03-10T07:12:00.002-05:00

is it possible to write a 5 page paper in an hour and a half??

i'm about to find out.

spring break: t minus 56 hours and counting.

for megan marie

2009-03-08T18:05:00.004-05:00

chipmunk cheeks. day 3. i think the right side is bigger than your baby bump megs :)

wisdom teeth surgery went well. still swollen, but it hasn't kept me from my favorite foods! i've already gone for grilled chicken and whataburger!

truth

2009-03-04T14:30:00.001-06:00

⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 corinthians 12:9-10

this is the truth i'm praying i live in daily... the hope i have to keep climbing.

update

2009-03-02T01:16:00.002-06:00

i think this is the biggest mountain i've ever seen.

in other news:
job search
i applied for three more jobs.
one told me that i didn't have enough "post-college experience." how am i supposed to have post-college experience if i'm still in college?!
**keep fingers crossed/say a prayer/whatever it is you do for the job at UT! i'ts working with high school kids making sure they know and understand UT's policies for bringing credits into college. my concern is that they want to fill it now and not wait for graduation. i submitted a resume and then was asked to provide references. we'll see!

life
i'm getting my wisdom teeth out on friday and am a little nervous from some bad anesthesia experiences. my surgery is supposed to be easier than most because i only have wisdom teeth on the top.

school
i highly appreciate those kids who complete the entire test review days before the test and then post it online to the class facebook group. i want to find them post-test and give them a hug.
graduation countdown: 82 days.

where the heck is spring break when you need it???

climbing mountains

2009-02-18T13:12:00.003-06:00

in life, i have both literally and figuratively climbed some huge mountains. i have experienced the physical pain of climbing a mountain... of the rough terrain, of scrapes and bruises. i have spent a week in the mountains backpacking. i have stood at the top of the continental divide and wept in awe of my god's creation. i have reached the peak of a mountain just after sunrise and seen more beautiful scenes than people put on postcards.

pictures don't even do justice to the beauty i've seen in the mountains. how awesome is our god that he made these sights? that there are mountains all over the world... they all look different- snow-covered mountains in a colorado winter, the deep luscious greens of mountains in hawaii, the calm fog on a morning in the blue ridge mountains- but they all strike a sense of awe within my heart.

i'm coming to enjoy literally climbing mountains more than figuratively doing it... i'm talking about those hard heart lessons of mountains. climbing the mountains and learning the hard lessons of life is tough work. tougher than getter over the scrapes, bruises and exhaustion of climbing a real mountain. climbing figurative mountains is just as worth it though. getting to those peaks of understanding and seeing god's plan is worth the work of processing and struggling to get there.

right now, i'm on the way up... fighting the wearing days, feeling the fatigue, thirsting for truth and a glimpse of the top. i feel like i've been climbing this mountain for so long. have i gotten lost? did i start out on the wrong trail? i momentarily lost the map that god wanted me to use. but i'm working my way backwards, retracing my steps, to figure out where i lost the right trail so i can get back on it. it hurts, its confusing, its frustrating.

i feel like david in psalm 13...
¹ How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

but i have hope! praise god for that! i know that when i make my way back to that trail leading me up and not astray, that i will make it. i will get to that peak. i will find the clarity. and i will rejoice.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

i will sing to the lord for he has been good to me my 22 years. and he continues to be good to me even when i lose my footing sometimes.

25 things about myself.

2009-02-02T16:55:00.011-06:00

the fun facts from facebook...

1. I thank God for mercy and grace practically daily.
2. My toenails are rarely ever not painted. And 99% of the time its a shade of pink. If my fingernails are painted, its just a french manicure. I don't like color on my fingernails.
3. I never ate avocados or guacamole until I was a sophomore in college. Now I eat them every chance I get!
4. I pray for a niece or nephew to show up in my life and ask my sister and ross for one pretty regularly. I realllllly want to be an aunt.
5. I have a slight addiction to dr. pepper.
6. I watch reruns of One Tree Hill, The OC and 90210 on the soap network almost every afternoon.
7. I actually love to read any book not assigned in a class I'm taking. On the same note, I actually like learning on my own time, just not to be forced to do it on my professor's schedule. That is why I don't like school.
8. Getting a dog was one of the best decisions I've ever made, hands down. It really has taught me to be more selfless and responsible. And its made me healthier too. :)
9. I've learned some hard life lessons in college, but feel like I've taken some of my classroom education for granted.
10. After being born, I went home and lived in the same room in the same house until I came to college. My parents just moved out of that house a month and a half ago.
11. My tv guilty pleasure is Secret Life of an American Teenager. But I also watch One Tree Hill, Grey's, Private Practice and Jon and Kate Plus 8.
12. I have to have a glass of water before I go to sleep at night.
13. I'm a lot more boring than I used to be. Somewhere between sophomore and junior year of college, I learned the value of sleeping.
14. I love going two-stepping. Its kinda a prerequisite for any guy in my future. Or at least a willingness to learn and take me dancing.
15. I miss the summer of 2007. a lot.
16. In first grade, I cut my own bangs in the dark without a mirror just in time for family Christmas photos. That picture lives on in the church directory. I wore a lot of hats for the next 6 months.
17.French fries are one of my favorite comfort foods.
18. I don't respond to a lot of things quickly because I don't like to respond out of any negative emotion.
19. Polar bears are my favorite animals. When I was younger, I used to want to grow up and turn my garage into a giant freezer so I could have one for a pet.
20. I really honestly love my job. Even if I'm having a busy week of school and some of my middle schoolers act insane, there are a handful of girls in my club that just make my life better. And I know a lot of really random information that always comes in handy.
21. I looove the beach. the sunshine, sand, warmth... I have so many fun memories from growing up near the beach (even if it was just Galveston) and other beach vacations. It will always be a special place to me. Thats why I want to get married on a beach.
22. I've wanted a tattoo since high school. I promised my parents I'd wait til after college to get it. Check back this summer :)
23. I honestly don't feel weird about being in the stage of life where my friends are married/getting married. And I like going to my friend's weddings. Mostly because I like to dance.
24. Blink 182 is back together, recording a new cd, and planning their next tour. My middle school self has a hard time containing my immense excitement about this. I plan on being at a concert near me.
25. I want to have horses when I'm older. I love them. I wish I had grown up around them regularly.

brrrrrrrr!

2009-01-28T21:15:00.004-06:00

its colllllld outside! i think i accidentally brought the colorado weather back to austin with me. my most sincere apologies for that. but, my trip to colorado was a ton of fun. i even tried skiing one of the days there. 'tried' being the key word there... from now on i'll just stick to sledding and ice skating. :)jill and i walking around the town of breckenridge. she skiied that morning and i read the new jon and kate plus 8 book in the lodge. :)

me and jill after sledding on our last day in colorado.

cover letter

2009-01-18T16:56:00.004-06:00

dear future employer,

i'm applying for a position that you have the power to give or not give to me. i realize that i am just out of college with no real job experience and there are probably a lot of highly qualified applicants. but, i'm smart. i'm a hard worker and a really fast learner. so take a chance on me. all i ask is that my salary is high enough to pay my rent in a safe neighborhood, cover my bills, and to feed myself.

thanks,
kristi anderson

2008 in pictures.

2009-01-08T21:33:00.023-06:00

here's a review of my 2008 in pictures. i've seen this on a few other blogs- the idea is one picture per month, but sometimes one just isn't enough.

january:
i brought in 2008 on a trip to hawaii with my friend jill. it was incredible! in this picture we are at my favorite beach, bellows.also in january, i turned 21! :)

february:along with my 4 co-officers in phi lamb, i pulled off planning, hosting, and managing the budget for a weekend-long celebration of the sorority's 20th year of being around. this is me and my officer group with our board representative, ricci, after one of the events during the weekend.

march:

I GOT A DOG!! she's the sweetest little mini pin mix around. her name is andie. i adopted her in march and i love her. also in march, for spring break, my friend krystal and i made a list of things we had always wanted to do in austin, but hadn't yet. kayaking on town lake was a blast!

april:one of my favorite weekends in austin was full of friends. jill, who was living in colorado at the time, came to austin for a weekend and everyone had a ton of fun. this is elyse, jill, me, and krystal downtown after she had just gotten into town.

may:
in may, i finished my year of being of an officer for phi lamb. at our closing ceremonies, i read scripture and prayed over our new treasurer, andrea.

june:june brought summertime and my favorite grad students back to austin! my sister spends her summers in austin working on her masters at UT with her two friends lesley and bethany. my sister and i had our first experience being on 6th street together for bethany's bachelorette party.

july:my first july 4th in austin was great! the boys grilled burgers and hot dogs and then we sat on a balcony at city hall to watch the town lake fireworks.

also in july, i spent a day on lake georgetown with a bunch of friends boating, tubing, and watching some wakeboard.on the last day of july, tanner dell antley made his way into the world and my sister and i hustled to houston to meet him.

august:i finished my second summer working with some awesome kiddos at girlstart!

september:i started my last year of college and had my last special meeting for phi lamb to get my last little sis. this is most of the seniors in phi lamb after that meeting.

october:
my sister, dad, and i pulled off an awesome surprise 50th birthday party for my mom in october! here she is just walking in. :)

november:
november started off with a bang! or more of a crash... i got in a wreck (not my fault) and was left driving a rental car for the rest of the month. lucy (my car) is back in good health though!my parents and i after i got my UT ring! hook em!

december:december brought the wedding of my sweet friend lauren. i've been so blessed to work with lauren and all the girls in this picture over the last 2 years.and finally, i finished off the year with a family trip to florida to visit my sister and brother-in-law. we spent a day at disneyworld :)

here's to 2009!

home is where the heart is

2008-11-29T13:14:00.004-06:00

home- (n) a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household; the place in which one's domestic affections are centered; a person's native place or own country

what the heck are domestic affections?

i claim a few homes: league city, austin, west palm beach, windy gap

i claim these not because i reside there, not because i'm from there, but because i feel safe there. i'm surrounded by people i love and who love me in each of these places. there's a sense of warmth, security, and comfort in all of these places.

so when asked my plans for thanksgiving, i had a lot of friends who offered me an invitation to go along with them to be with their families since i wasn't going to be with mine. while i appreciated all of them and know i would have had a great time and been welcome at any of those places, it wasn't the point. i wanted to be in a place i felt at home at for my thanksgiving. so, i made my own thanksgiving dinner.

yes it was only a table set for two. but, i made almost everything by myself!! everything but the turkey and corn that is, i got some help from rudy's for that. i even made an apple pie from scratch! that was the point of my thanksgiving- being in a place i consider home. i got to share this meal with one of my best friends and then we went to watch the longhorns dominate on the field! it was a great thanksgiving!

counting down!

2008-08-23T20:11:00.000-05:00

i graduate college in 272 days from today. oh my.

i feel stuck. as i begin my last fall semester, questions about post-college plans are already filling conversations. why do i need to know what i'm doing in june if i don't even know what i'm doing next week? anyways, i find myself torn. i want adventure. i want big changes and new experiences. i want to move to a new place and allow myself to grow up and mature outside of any safe bubble. however, the comfort and security of houston or austin is also appealing. being known and safe in an environment. having a guaranteed job and some sort of network of people in place.

i feel like reese witherspoon in sweet home alabama... that sounds real lame. my life would be great in a new place. i am sure of that. it would be hard and challenging, but i trust i would find a sweet sense of independence and boldness. but home fits too. being able to go somewhere and people already knowing your name. no explanations of the past needed. comfort.

i realize no decision is needed right now. i just wish the questions would stop. don't think i'm not preparing though. i'm keeping up with my options... with several non-profit job websites bookmarked, plenty of yl connections, and school connections, i know there is a job in an environment that is just right for me. i don't feel as if its my decision though. i'm considering god's plan in this too. so when people ask my plans for after college, my recent response has become, "i'm not sure yet. guess it depends which state god puts me in."

sisterly bonding

2008-08-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

saturday, august 2, 2008 is a day to go down in anderson sister history.

we started the day in league city and spent the morning visiting trisha and baby tanner in the hospital. we left around 11 because my sister needed to be at the austin airport around 2:30 for her flight back to florida. about fifteen minutes before we got to the airport, orbitz customer service called to tell her that her flight was delayed for 3 hours meaning she would miss her connecting flight in atlanta (the last one of the day). after another phone call to delta, she was rescheduled for a 5:30 am flight on sunday so she didn't have to spend the night in atlanta. we finally got to my house around 3:30, sat down, and thought of something to do for the night. which led to us getting in the car an hour later to head to fort worth for a surprise engagement party! we left forth worth at midnight, heading straight for the austin airport, where i dropped my sister off at 3:45 am for her 5:30 flight!

we called our mom at some point in the trip. she told us we were crazy for spending so much time in the car in one day. my sister's response... "you're just jealous because you had brothers." :)

weekend o'fun!

2008-07-30T00:38:00.000-05:00

this past weekend, i truly experienced summer in austin, texas. i took advantage of the sights and attractions with some great friends and had a blast!

it all started thursday night: dinner and drinks at 219 west with my dobie girls followed by some downtown fun now that we are all finally 21!

friday brought work for 7 hours... then a fun party at my sister's professor's house. sounds lame, but it was actually a good time. then dinner at matt's el rancho and downtown again.

saturday was a whole day of sunshine and fun. 10 of us spent the day on lake georgetown tubing, wakeboarding, and enjoying the incredible day. afterwards, half of us went to dinner and just talked for a while.

sunday i woke up and got ready for my first gospel brunch experience at stubb's! sooo fun! then some time shopping and hanging out. we finished the night watching beauty and the beast on a blanket at zilker park. which, btw, is amazing!

my sister and grad school friends leave austin on saturday. that's weird. it'll be sad... they've been my entertainment all summer. :)

important things to do in life:

2008-07-22T13:15:00.001-05:00

1. get married on a beach...barefoot
2. go back to hawaii (it would be okay if #1 and #2 were combined.)
3. see all 50 states. (23 down, 27 to go)
4. go to australia, costa rica, and spain and lots of other tropical island destinations
5. backpack through europe
6. raise bilingual kids
7. get a tattoo after graduating college.
8. spend a new years eve in times square

...more to come.

Psalm 69

2008-07-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.

2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.

3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.

13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.

14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.

15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.

19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.

20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.

29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,

35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.

"its not worth it."

2008-05-08T02:30:00.000-05:00

"its not worth it."

i can't keep track of how many times i've heard or said those words this semester. that the sin in life just isn't freakin worth it. its not worth the momentary feelings of satisfaction for the separation from god that follows. its not worth each individual fight to understand mercy and grace. its not worth jeopardizing our walk with christ. its not worth setting yourself up for worldly struggles that we were not created for.

i know the sin in me has been used for huge amounts of growth and learning hard lessons. which is something that cannot be replaced. and something to appreciate in retrospect.

but in those moments where we blatantly choose sin and lies over truth, that its just not worth it. not one bit.

ACRES OF HOPE

2008-02-27T00:55:00.001-06:00

ACRES OF HOPE

by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)

pretty woman

2008-01-26T23:25:00.000-06:00

"people put you down enough, you start to believe them." -julia roberts, pretty woman.

i struggle with self-worth.

that's what i've got right now.

"enjoy hell. -paul"

2008-01-23T02:40:00.000-06:00

yea those potential downfalls i was talking about... found one. but i don't want to get into it.

the sermon about accepting god's call from one of the last sundays in december at stone keeps replaying in my head. i keep hearing matt say that paul's next letter to corinth should have just said "enjoy hell. -paul" i keep feeling like i did in that moment... like i should just get a letter like that.

because of my inadequacy. my unworthiness. my selfishness. my stubborness. my prideful nature.

why do i have to push all the limits and fall and feel the hurt to know that there's good? where did this rebellious, reckless, and feisty side of me come from? and how does almost every fiber of me want what i know i shouldn't? its not okay. not. okay. how can i change my heart? simple, i can't. god can. got it. pleeeeeease god, change it. i want to want what's truth. i want to want goodness. i want to want to listen to all the warnings i get from everyone who cares about me. i want to not want to push any more limits. i want to not worry everyone who cares about me.

i want freedom. i want to not hold back. i want to live fully each day. with joy and excitement. with the peace of christ. with the assurance that he's got my back.

and i will.
lord willing, i most definitely will.

fresh start

2008-01-19T22:11:00.000-06:00

its a new semester. and i'm starting fresh... going to classes, cutting back on hours at work, being joyful about serving phi lamb, even going out with friends. yes the semester already has its potential downfalls, but those can't be the focus. they've just got to be something to keep in the back of my mind to watch out for. but i'm focused on the good. my heart is a little scared that the hurt of last fall will return, but i'm more confident in having a better semester now than i ever really have been.

i know there are still areas to grow, struggles to go through, hurt to feel, and tears to cry. but i also trust in the joy and excitement, the peace of christ, and the laughter of happy hearts. this semester's gonna be full of it all and that's okay. once again, i say no expectations. except this time, i'm gonna try to trust in the lord instead of going at it all blindly.
ready or not, here we go!!

corinth

2007-12-17T09:05:00.000-06:00

go ahead and call me corinth. i am a reckless and rebellious church.

i feel like i'm at a point where i'm about to have to respond. the question is: how far do i let it go before i do? how many limits can i push before i push too far? how many things will i let fall apart before i start to reconcile them?

likes and dislikes

2007-12-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

i like to play. i don't like to study. god did not make me a student. i like wearing headbands. and holding hands. my two love languages are quality time and physical touch. i'm learning about vulnerability and communication. i don't like knowing people worry about me. i scared of next semester. i'm bad at goodbyes. i'm going to hawaii for 8 days over christmas break and i couldn't be more excited. i kicked butt on my final today. i'm addicted to sonic dr. pepper and whataburger sweet tea. i turn 21 in less than a month! i'm ready to play downtown with my friends on my birthday. if you grab my hand and lead me on and off the dance floor, you have a better chance of getting my heart. i love to two step. and three step. and waltz. and polka. i like being silly with my friends. i'm waaay inappropriate when surrounded by my friends. i love katy carter and erin chandler. and living with them. and nights of dance parties with them in our house. one of my favorite things is the getting in freshly washed sheets after getting out of the shower. the best feeling in the world is having someone tell you they love you and knowing without a doubt that its true. genuine laughter between friends is one of the best sounds. i absolutely love the beach. and sunshine. and warm weather. i don't like calculus. or being cold. but i'm going to be cold when i go to denver. i miss trips to knoxville and visiting ellie and jess. i like baking sweets. i really like sleepovers. i'm a cuddler. i have too many pillows on my bed. they make me feel safe. i've felt inadequate most of the semester. god's peace is amazing. i'm beyond blessed. i adore my sister. i really really want a puppy! i don't like wearing socks or shoes.

aug-dec

2007-12-03T13:16:00.000-06:00

welcome to the summation of the hardest semester of my life. and its not over yet.

i can say, without a doubt, that it has been the hardest semester EVER. now, i'm not one that likes to start things with expectations. simply because i think expectations always lead to disappointment. (yes thats a very pessimisstic statement, but thats what happens when you've been hurt) but i always feel that i have some general idea of how things in life might go... even if that idea is full of different options, at least i always know options of where life might take me.

nothing this semester has been anything near any idea i might have had before it started.
BUT i'm not saying that this is a good or bad thing. hear me out.

the bad:
i never imagined how much pain, hurt, disappointment, and heartbreak would be in this semester. its been packed full of it. i honestly can't tell you how many nights i've cried myself to sleep, just that its happened more nights that it hasn't. and that's exhausting. and when i say heartbreak, i don't mean some silly boy has gone and broke my heart. because that would hurt and i thank god that i have been spared from that. but i mean that my heart has been broken because of the huge disappointment i feel in myself... for feeling like i've neglected friends, for feeling like i've been a bad example and leader in phi lamb, for knowing that i work waaay too much, for knowing that i suck at school and i don't know if i can fix it, for returning to baaad habits and letting them get out of control... for so many things that have just plain sucked this semester. especially for the loss of one of the sweetest and most christ-like relationships in my life. it hurts so much to be told that someone just doesn't care about your friendship anymore. and to have to just step back from it. it hurts so much that it has made me sick.

the good:
i have come to find that the lord has revealed so many things to me. the handful of people that truly know me and have stood by me this semester have become my safe places. in those conversations, i find love, laughter, honesty, truth, sillyness, wisdom, etc. not that its all fun and games. some of these conversations are full of the hardest questions i've ever been asked. but thats real christ-like accountability. and its beautiful. i have come to expect things from the lord that i never would have before. i expect him to show up when i stop to meet with him. i expect him to answer my prayers and provide peace, guidance, comfort, direction. i expect him to speak to me. i expect him to heal my heart from the pain and tears of the past. i expect him to pick up the broken pieces of my life and put them back together when i ask for help and seek his will first. i am thankful for so many things in my life. i am thankful for true friends. i am thankful for the most supportive family. i am thankful for my sister and how our relationship has grown. i am thankful for my job. even though i probably do work waaay too much for my own good, god has provided for me in that environment. work has become a place full of close friends, not just coworkers. and that includes my boss, who knows absolutely everything about my life, and that goes both ways. the love, gratitude and respect i have for katelyn, anne, lauren, melissa, and rachel cannot be put into words.

the lord has definitely been in my little world this semester. i have been stretched in so many ways. i have been hurt. i have been blessed. and i have been protected from so many worse things. as this semester draws to a close, i can do nothing, but praise god for showing up. though some days may have been hard, some days were definitely good, and i am left standing with next to nothing but my heart in my hands as an offer to him. and i pray that that is enough to keep him showing up.

"you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
lord, blessed be your name"

pressing forward

2007-09-11T02:20:00.000-05:00

i cannot comprehend the immense blessings God has placed in my life.
i cannot be grateful enough. nor can i say thank you enough.

i can only reflect His goodness through the integrity of my actions.
and that makes me want to cry and say "i suck at life."

but still i carry on, striving to be something more than myself, something that i can be proud to be, something that even though i'm not entirely sure what it is... its going to be good. i can only pray everyday that the lord would captivate my entire heart and soul to set me on fire with a passion to seek His name first in everything i do. i can only pray that the lord would capture my gaze and set my face upon His so that i trust in Him completely. i can only pray that the lord would stretch me in new ways and provide new lessons everyday that i would not be satisfied with my days until i learned them. i can only pray.

and i can live my life full of the joy he has given me. joy from knowing i'm not good enough and never will be on my own, but that i'm not doing this on my own. joy from being so overly blessed with so many incredible things. joy from his gracious love.