corinth

go ahead and call me corinth. i am a reckless and rebellious church. i feel like i'm at a point where i'm about to have to respond. the question is: how far do i let it go before i do? how many limits can i push before i push too far? how many things will i let fall apart before i start to reconcile them?

likes and dislikes

i like to play. i don't like to study. god did not make me a student. i like wearing headbands. and holding hands. my two love languages are quality time and physical touch. i'm learning about vulnerability and communication. i don't like knowing people worry about me. i scared of next semester. i'm bad at goodbyes. i'm going to hawaii for 8 days over christmas break and i couldn't be more excited. i kicked butt on my final today. i'm addicted to sonic dr. pepper and whataburger sweet tea. i turn 21 in less than a month! i'm ready to play downtown with my friends on my birthday. if you grab my hand and lead me on and off the dance floor, you have a better chance of getting my heart. i love to two step. and three step. and waltz. and polka. i like being silly with my friends. i'm waaay inappropriate when surrounded by my friends. i love katy carter and erin chandler. and living with them. and nights of dance parties with them in our house. one of my favorite things is the getting in freshly washed sheets after getting out of the shower. the best feeling in the world is having someone tell you they love you and knowing without a doubt that its true. genuine laughter between friends is one of the best sounds. i absolutely love the beach. and sunshine. and warm weather. i don't like calculus. or being cold. but i'm going to be cold when i go to denver. i miss trips to knoxville and visiting ellie and jess. i like baking sweets. i really like sleepovers. i'm a cuddler. i have too many pillows on my bed. they make me feel safe. i've felt inadequate most of the semester. god's peace is amazing. i'm beyond blessed. i adore my sister. i really really want a puppy! i don't like wearing socks or shoes.

aug-dec

welcome to the summation of the hardest semester of my life. and its not over yet. i can say, without a doubt, that it has been the hardest semester EVER. now, i'm not one that likes to start things with expectations. simply because i think expectations always lead to disappointment. (yes thats a very pessimisstic statement, but thats what happens when you've been hurt) but i always feel that i have some general idea of how things in life might go... even if that idea is full of different options, at least i always know options of where life might take me. nothing this semester has been anything near any idea i might have had before it started. BUT i'm not saying that this is a good or bad thing. hear me out. the bad: i never imagined how much pain, hurt, disappointment, and heartbreak would be in this semester. its been packed full of it. i honestly can't tell you how many nights i've cried myself to sleep, just that its happened more nights that it hasn't. and that's exhausting. and when i say heartbreak, i don't mean some silly boy has gone and broke my heart. because that would hurt and i thank god that i have been spared from that. but i mean that my heart has been broken because of the huge disappointment i feel in myself... for feeling like i've neglected friends, for feeling like i've been a bad example and leader in phi lamb, for knowing that i work waaay too much, for knowing that i suck at school and i don't know if i can fix it, for returning to baaad habits and letting them get out of control... for so many things that have just plain sucked this semester. especially for the loss of one of the sweetest and most christ-like relationships in my life. it hurts so much to be told that someone just doesn't care about your friendship anymore. and to have to just step back from it. it hurts so much that it has made me sick. the good: i have come to find that the lord has revealed so many things to me. the handful of people that truly know me and have stood by me this semester have become my safe places. in those conversations, i find love, laughter, honesty, truth, sillyness, wisdom, etc. not that its all fun and games. some of these conversations are full of the hardest questions i've ever been asked. but thats real christ-like accountability. and its beautiful. i have come to expect things from the lord that i never would have before. i expect him to show up when i stop to meet with him. i expect him to answer my prayers and provide peace, guidance, comfort, direction. i expect him to speak to me. i expect him to heal my heart from the pain and tears of the past. i expect him to pick up the broken pieces of my life and put them back together when i ask for help and seek his will first. i am thankful for so many things in my life. i am thankful for true friends. i am thankful for the most supportive family. i am thankful for my sister and how our relationship has grown. i am thankful for my job. even though i probably do work waaay too much for my own good, god has provided for me in that environment. work has become a place full of close friends, not just coworkers. and that includes my boss, who knows absolutely everything about my life, and that goes both ways. the love, gratitude and respect i have for katelyn, anne, lauren, melissa, and rachel cannot be put into words. the lord has definitely been in my little world this semester. i have been stretched in so many ways. i have been hurt. i have been blessed. and i have been protected from so many worse things. as this semester draws to a close, i can do nothing, but praise god for showing up. though some days may have been hard, some days were definitely good, and i am left standing with next to nothing but my heart in my hands as an offer to him. and i pray that that is enough to keep him showing up. "you give and take away you give and take away my heart will choose to say lord, blessed be your name"

pressing forward

i cannot comprehend the immense blessings God has placed in my life. i cannot be grateful enough. nor can i say thank you enough. i can only reflect His goodness through the integrity of my actions. and that makes me want to cry and say "i suck at life." but still i carry on, striving to be something more than myself, something that i can be proud to be, something that even though i'm not entirely sure what it is... its going to be good. i can only pray everyday that the lord would captivate my entire heart and soul to set me on fire with a passion to seek His name first in everything i do. i can only pray that the lord would capture my gaze and set my face upon His so that i trust in Him completely. i can only pray that the lord would stretch me in new ways and provide new lessons everyday that i would not be satisfied with my days until i learned them. i can only pray. and i can live my life full of the joy he has given me. joy from knowing i'm not good enough and never will be on my own, but that i'm not doing this on my own. joy from being so overly blessed with so many incredible things. joy from his gracious love.