aug-dec

welcome to the summation of the hardest semester of my life. and its not over yet. i can say, without a doubt, that it has been the hardest semester EVER. now, i'm not one that likes to start things with expectations. simply because i think expectations always lead to disappointment. (yes thats a very pessimisstic statement, but thats what happens when you've been hurt) but i always feel that i have some general idea of how things in life might go... even if that idea is full of different options, at least i always know options of where life might take me. nothing this semester has been anything near any idea i might have had before it started. BUT i'm not saying that this is a good or bad thing. hear me out. the bad: i never imagined how much pain, hurt, disappointment, and heartbreak would be in this semester. its been packed full of it. i honestly can't tell you how many nights i've cried myself to sleep, just that its happened more nights that it hasn't. and that's exhausting. and when i say heartbreak, i don't mean some silly boy has gone and broke my heart. because that would hurt and i thank god that i have been spared from that. but i mean that my heart has been broken because of the huge disappointment i feel in myself... for feeling like i've neglected friends, for feeling like i've been a bad example and leader in phi lamb, for knowing that i work waaay too much, for knowing that i suck at school and i don't know if i can fix it, for returning to baaad habits and letting them get out of control... for so many things that have just plain sucked this semester. especially for the loss of one of the sweetest and most christ-like relationships in my life. it hurts so much to be told that someone just doesn't care about your friendship anymore. and to have to just step back from it. it hurts so much that it has made me sick. the good: i have come to find that the lord has revealed so many things to me. the handful of people that truly know me and have stood by me this semester have become my safe places. in those conversations, i find love, laughter, honesty, truth, sillyness, wisdom, etc. not that its all fun and games. some of these conversations are full of the hardest questions i've ever been asked. but thats real christ-like accountability. and its beautiful. i have come to expect things from the lord that i never would have before. i expect him to show up when i stop to meet with him. i expect him to answer my prayers and provide peace, guidance, comfort, direction. i expect him to speak to me. i expect him to heal my heart from the pain and tears of the past. i expect him to pick up the broken pieces of my life and put them back together when i ask for help and seek his will first. i am thankful for so many things in my life. i am thankful for true friends. i am thankful for the most supportive family. i am thankful for my sister and how our relationship has grown. i am thankful for my job. even though i probably do work waaay too much for my own good, god has provided for me in that environment. work has become a place full of close friends, not just coworkers. and that includes my boss, who knows absolutely everything about my life, and that goes both ways. the love, gratitude and respect i have for katelyn, anne, lauren, melissa, and rachel cannot be put into words. the lord has definitely been in my little world this semester. i have been stretched in so many ways. i have been hurt. i have been blessed. and i have been protected from so many worse things. as this semester draws to a close, i can do nothing, but praise god for showing up. though some days may have been hard, some days were definitely good, and i am left standing with next to nothing but my heart in my hands as an offer to him. and i pray that that is enough to keep him showing up. "you give and take away you give and take away my heart will choose to say lord, blessed be your name"