pretty woman

"people put you down enough, you start to believe them." -julia roberts, pretty woman. i struggle with self-worth. that's what i've got right now.

"enjoy hell. -paul"

yea those potential downfalls i was talking about... found one. but i don't want to get into it. the sermon about accepting god's call from one of the last sundays in december at stone keeps replaying in my head. i keep hearing matt say that paul's next letter to corinth should have just said "enjoy hell. -paul" i keep feeling like i did in that moment... like i should just get a letter like that. because of my inadequacy. my unworthiness. my selfishness. my stubborness. my prideful nature. why do i have to push all the limits and fall and feel the hurt to know that there's good? where did this rebellious, reckless, and feisty side of me come from? and how does almost every fiber of me want what i know i shouldn't? its not okay. not. okay. how can i change my heart? simple, i can't. god can. got it. pleeeeeease god, change it. i want to want what's truth. i want to want goodness. i want to want to listen to all the warnings i get from everyone who cares about me. i want to not want to push any more limits. i want to not worry everyone who cares about me. i want freedom. i want to not hold back. i want to live fully each day. with joy and excitement. with the peace of christ. with the assurance that he's got my back. and i will. lord willing, i most definitely will.

fresh start

its a new semester. and i'm starting fresh... going to classes, cutting back on hours at work, being joyful about serving phi lamb, even going out with friends. yes the semester already has its potential downfalls, but those can't be the focus. they've just got to be something to keep in the back of my mind to watch out for. but i'm focused on the good. my heart is a little scared that the hurt of last fall will return, but i'm more confident in having a better semester now than i ever really have been.

i know there are still areas to grow, struggles to go through, hurt to feel, and tears to cry. but i also trust in the joy and excitement, the peace of christ, and the laughter of happy hearts. this semester's gonna be full of it all and that's okay. once again, i say no expectations. except this time, i'm gonna try to trust in the lord instead of going at it all blindly.
ready or not, here we go!!