"enjoy hell. -paul"

yea those potential downfalls i was talking about... found one. but i don't want to get into it. the sermon about accepting god's call from one of the last sundays in december at stone keeps replaying in my head. i keep hearing matt say that paul's next letter to corinth should have just said "enjoy hell. -paul" i keep feeling like i did in that moment... like i should just get a letter like that. because of my inadequacy. my unworthiness. my selfishness. my stubborness. my prideful nature. why do i have to push all the limits and fall and feel the hurt to know that there's good? where did this rebellious, reckless, and feisty side of me come from? and how does almost every fiber of me want what i know i shouldn't? its not okay. not. okay. how can i change my heart? simple, i can't. god can. got it. pleeeeeease god, change it. i want to want what's truth. i want to want goodness. i want to want to listen to all the warnings i get from everyone who cares about me. i want to not want to push any more limits. i want to not worry everyone who cares about me. i want freedom. i want to not hold back. i want to live fully each day. with joy and excitement. with the peace of christ. with the assurance that he's got my back. and i will. lord willing, i most definitely will.