if they only knew me

Several times during our teacher inservice days last week and this week, we have been read If She Only Knew Me by Jeff Gray and Heather Thomas. It is a short book written from the eyes of a young, poverty-stricken child in the classroom. (Check it out on Amazon here.)

It was read specifically to my campus today because of our student population. We have the highest percentage of economically disadvantaged students in the intermediate schools of our district. Our kids face bigger challenges before even getting to school that we have to learn how to accommodate their immediate basic needs before we can ever hope to impart new knowledge and skills. My favorite page in this book says something like, "If she only knew my daddy left me and my mom when I was 2, she'd stop threatening to call my daddy and have a conference." What an incredible way to teach teachers to get to know their kiddos individually.

Today after listening to it, we were asked to write down a reflection. This is mine:

"It surprises me, as a graduate of Clear Creek ISD, that there are these tough life situations happening here- in the place I grew up only knowing of it as safe and loving. It shocks my friends to hear some of the stories about our school. It may seem daunting and overwhelming some days to work with kids like ours, but it gives me great purpose and meaning. Each day, I get to wake up with the privilege of giving my kids more to hope for than what they left home with that morning. Each day, I want them to know they have the same potential and opportunities that I had as a kid here, no matter what obstacles face them outside our doors."

If my students only knew me:
-They would know I'm not just a white lady that feels sorry for them.
-They would know that I do understand heartache and pain even if our situations are different.
-They would know that I made it out of the schools they're going to alright and that I fully believe they can do it too.
-They would know I'm scared of failing them everyday by not being able to maintain a safe and welcoming environment for everyone.
-They would know that math is NOT the most important lesson I want to teach in my classroom.

so long sweet summer

summer is over. such a sad, sad day. tomorrow is my first day to get back and work in my classroom and monday starts inservice days and workshops. yay!

its a good thing i have a fun-filled weekend planned!

time to reminisce on the fun things i got to do this summer:
-actually go on family vacation for the first time in 4 years (who cares if i was the only child who could go this year?! or the fact that we had to evacuate after 2 days of vacationing because of Hurricane Alex...)
-spend almost a full week with my sister and brother-in-law in florida
-hang out with my favorite 12 year old... watching the bachelorette, swimming, burning in the sun on 'smoothie stand day'
-READ!! i read 12 books this summer! i'm trying to finish #13 but i'm not sure if it will happen by school.
-work at a crazy camp at A&M and meet some cool people
-take a day trip to austin full of old friends and delicious food that i miss
-spend quality time with my best friends all over texas

now THAT sounds like an amazing summer to me! guess its time to get back to school and grown-up life (house hunting and lesson planning, oh my!), but not before one last summer fling with schlitterbahn and a back-to-school party (teacher-style) this weekend!

i got a job!

i can finally officially talk about it! i have a job for next school year!

i will be teaching 6th grade math and coaching 7th grade girls volleyball and basketball.

AND i get to stay at my school- Clear Creek Intermediate!

i'm so excited that i will be at my school still. those kids give me purpose everyday and make going to work worth it. i know they're a tough group, but i'm looking forward to it.

i was really nervous about being the "new kid" on the 6th grade team. after one year, our school only had 2 teachers leave: one teacher had a baby this summer (this is the position i got) and another moved up to the high school level (it was filled in the district). its really rare to only have 2 openings and the teachers had created close bonds in their first year. however, i got a call this last week inviting me to lunch with the 6th grade team and it was so great. they were so welcoming and friendly and calmed a lot of my concerns about being the new one. it makes me really excited about august.

summer reading list

Summer is here and I'm loving it! One of my favorite things to do is grab a good book and head to the pool.

I've been reading Jodi Picoult NONSTOP so far! Seriously, I read 3 of hers in the first week of summer. I love that her books are about real life.. about the hard things- rape, bullying, dysfunctional families, illnesses, imperfections, etc. But there's always a story about caring about others in it whether it be about family, or friends, or just people we meet. We never know someone's whole story until we care to ask.

She has 18 books out and I plan to finish them all!
Songs of the Humpback Whale
Harvesting the Heart
Picture Perfect
Mercy
The Pact
Keeping Faith
Plain Truth *currently reading
Salem Falls
Perfect Match
Second Glance
My Sister's Keeper
Vanishing Acts
The Tenth Circle
Nineteen Minutes
Wonder Woman: Love and Murder
Change of Heart
Handle with Care
House Rules

I just recently bought a kindle and am SO excited about it. I think it will save me a lot of money in the long run on books and it will save me a ton of room on my bookshelves!

365 days.

i can't believe i have been out of college for a year! i graduated a year ago! whoa.

what a crazy year too.

i have moved twice (including major cities), started two different jobs, taken some fun trips, seen some incredible concerts, said goodbye to hurt, made some good friends, learned to like sushi and laughed with some crazy kiddos.

the last year has only pushed me to love people harder and show the people i care just how much i do. i had a ton of fun being with the people important to me and enjoyed it all... even when it was hard.

i have seen hurt and betrayal in the last year. i have walked through things i would never wish upon anyone. and i made it.

i can only hope the next year is a hundred times calmer. however, i will most likely move again. and i will semi-start a new job too (same job, different school). and i will probably make a very grown-up purchase. can i go back to college yet? yikes.

forcing myself to finish

a real post, that is.

my 7th graders survived TAKS testing two weeks ago. last week started 8th grade Remediation for the kiddos needing a second try at it. they've been working SO hard. i hate that their promotion to high school depends on a test and some of them missed it the first time by just one question, but most of them are really motivated to get it this time so its be pretty cool to see them remain optimistic instead of defeated.

on the same note, their optimism has been a little contagious in the job hunt for me. as the school year draws near to an end, i'm still looking for a full-time teaching position for the 2010-2011 school year. aaaaand, as of this morning, i have an interview for one on thursday! a lot of small pieces have fallen into place so well for this interview that its hard not to have my hopes up, but i know it will work out either way.

that's about all i've got... my summer plans are a little up in the air as of now. mostly just waiting to see about the fall.

drawing a blank

TAKS has taken over my life this week.

that is all.

one step closer

one of my goals in life is to travel to every state in the united states. i'm not sure why i came up with it... it was some time in elementary school actually.

last weekend, i got to cross one more state off of my list! i've officially have traveled to 25 states... halfway there!

anyway, i got to take a 3 day weekend to visit one of my closest friends, krystal, in california! she is going to grad school at pepperdine university in malibu and will be graduating in may before moving back to texas!

krystal and i grew up in the same town, but never crossed paths, which is crazy because it felt like everyone knew everyone else growing up. we had several mutual friends and heard of each other, but never met. we ended up in the same christian sorority during college and finally met face-to-face at a halloween party my freshman year. our friendship slowly grew during my freshman and sophomore years. during my junior year (her senior year) we got to become really close and traveled home together for holidays and hung out a lot more. i was sad to see her move all the way to california after she graduated. over the last two years, we got better at being phone and email friends considering we've only seen each other at christmas both years.

it was so much fun being able to take a weekend to go see where she lives and what she's been up to! she lives in santa monica and took me to see all the fun touristy sights in the area. a great way to check off another state!

krystal and i on our bus tour of famous hollywood homes :)

its time.

"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything." -Grey's Anatomy


This quote at the end of the episode three weeks ago strikes me for two reasons:
1. Its about mountains. I use mountain-climbing as a metaphor for my life all the time. I have done some mountain climbing... The peaks, valleys, exhaustion, struggle, clarity, etc of physically climbing a mountain hold great parallels to the feelings of my heart when it comes to real life things.
2. The metaphor of only wanting to remember the picture at the top of the mountain and not wanting to record the hurt of the hike resounds deep within my heart right now. I have been trying for weeks to finish a post about my life... to record the days. But, quite frankly, I haven't wanted a written record of the hurt and struggle of some of the days. I've just been waiting for that peak mountain-top experience so I could write about the good and have that to come back to.

However, I've decided in life that the hard days are worth remembering. You can't truly cherish each good thing if you know no hardship right? Recording the hard days does great good for me. It pushes me to move forward and strive towards good days again. It shows progress. It helps remember lessons and holds little reminders to not repeat the hard stuff intentionally.

I hope I get better about recording daily things. For I don't think its so much about the destination in life as it is about the means of the journey. So whether it be on the way up to the gorgeous mountain-top or tripping on the way down, I want to know how I got there.

alone is the last place i wanted to be

abandonment.

the root of all my problems.

this is not a new discovery. i've known this for, oh, about 20 years now. but its been on my mind recently.

you see, i can literally count on two hands the number of people in my life who haven't walked away from me. and, yes, i know that most people are not meant to be in our life forever, but just for a season. but i have been dealt some tough blows when it comes to relationships and people walking away.. starting with my biological father who gave up all rights when i was two and a half.

i'm not writing about this for people to feel guilty if they've been in my life and aren't anymore. i'm not saying, "please feel bad for me." don't.

my point is this- they say we have two natural reactions to tough situations. we pick between "fight" and "flight." i think because all i've seen is "flight" in my life that its all i know to do. or knew how to do. that is, until college happened.

during my four years of college, i learned how to fight... for silly things like grades i may or may not have deserved, for a job i loved, for good friendships, for things i saw purpose in, and finally, for myself.

that last one, the fighting for myself, is the hardest piece. i think when so many people walk away without fighting for you, it can be hard to believe that you are actually worth the hurt and heartache of a fight. just in the last year have i learned to fight for myself and my worth. i learned that its not selfish to fight for yourself sometimes. if you don't fight for yourself, it can be even harder to fight for the things you care about. it is easy for me to forgo a battle on my own behalf and choose to fight for a thing or person that i love instead.

it is not in my nature to really give up either. i am stubborn and hard-headed and always have been. the difference is, those words used to describe things like my work ethic in school, or wanting something when my parents said no... small, trivial things. now, these qualities have expanded to the way that i fight for big things in my life too. i have found that i fight even past the point where most people quit. there are things that seemed to have ended, yet, daily, i still fight for small pieces of them.

i'm still fighting.

take me back to neverland.

i don't want to grow up. i don't know where to go with my life right now.

i don't know if i'm more blown away by my conversations with 7th and 8th graders during school each day or the ones with the adults around me.

alcohol. sex. pregnancy. guns. rape.

think those are my conversations with the adults? wrong. those are the ones with the kids.

its insane. i don't know where these kids are coming from. none of this mess was even remotely on my radar in middle school. heck, none of it was on my radar in high school!

healthy eating. family planning. careers. church. finances

these are the subjects of conversations with the adults. i'm not blown away by these in a negative sense... more surprised in a good way by how coworkers have opened up, how they ask for my opinion even though i feel like a kid playing teacher, how they listen and ask questions.

i feel stuck in this weird limbo place. at work, i'm a grown-up: an equal to the teachers, an authority figure to the kids. outside of work, i'm fighting to stay young and fun: a big kid.

i don't know how well its working.

what's in a name?

how can i expect my students to do well in school when their names don't even follow basic phonics? their entire foundation for education went wrong at birth!

-jylinn.. pronounced jay-lyn. (also, its a boy)
-nyshira.. aka na-sh-era.
-isaly.. like italy, but with an s.
-marchel.. that would sound like michelle but with mar at the front.
-rayce.. his name is race.
-ashantinika.. say it with me "uh-shon-ti-knee-ka". (we just call her nikki)

and the grand finale (however, this one is courtesy of my sister's classroom and not mine):
la-a..
try it out... la-A, lei-a, lA-uh.. any takers?

her name is "ladasha."
she's trying to figure out how she'll bubble it in on the state test.


ridiculous.

you can call me ms. anderson

week 3...

2 of my kids have been sent to AEP (alternative education)
just this week, 7 are in ISS (in school suspension)
1 girl is pregnant (7th grade!)
countless failed their TAKS benchmark last week
(if they don't pass the one in april, they don't go onto the next grade)

whoa.

its so crazy to me that this school is right where i grew up. where'd it come from?

but also...

alexus talked to me about her church.
i'm jennifer and lindsay's "fave teacher."
every kid in my 1st period did their homework last night!
i made friends with part of the "mexican mafia" and they say hi to me in the halls.
i got a room of 19 boys (plus 4 sweet girls) to focus.
and paige and i do her homework everyday because she doesn't want zeros.

its the little rays of sunshine in my day that make me think i could actually do this.

the first two days of work

teacher: "guys, where chris?"
kid: "he's in the hospital."
teacher: "what? what happened?"
kid: "he got jumped. it was pretty bad."


kid: "miss, what's that star-looking symbol between those two numbers?"
me: "which one? the multiplication sign?"
kid: "oh yea! i forgot what those looked like."


teacher: "the polite gangster is one that will need some help."
me: "the one in the blue shirt?"
teacher: "no, he's not polite. he's just a gangster. the one in the green is the polite one."


teacher: "did you meet the mexican mafia in your first period?"
me: "the spanish-speaking girls in the corner?"
teacher: "yea that's them. they're the mexican mafia at the school."

welcome to my life. here's to bracing myself and making it til april!